Another night of restless sleep. The nausea is not as bad today, but still there. And I'm clenching my teeth.
I'm also just as prone to annoyance as ever. While walking to school this morning, the boy let go of my hand just as we were crossing a street. Rather than giving him a cheerful reminder of "hand, please," I grabbed the sleeve of his coat and held on to it until we were back on the sidewalk. This elicited tears and the dreaded "sorry, mommy."
I hate myself for acting like that. It's not fair to the boy and I'm so afraid that it hurts him. I don't want him to walk on eggshells around me. That's what it was like living with my ex-husband and it was awful. I also don't want to be some sort of happy clown parent.
My therapist reminds me almost every week that I need to view the constant, positive feedback I get about my son as a reflection of my parenting. I'm just much more focused on my shortcomings than my strengths. If the Lexapro is supposed to achieve a better balance here, it hasn't kicked in yet.
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